Vee: I think he'll be disappointed to find the market for inappropriate greeting cards has already been saturated.
So it's that time of the year where we're expected to both give gifts and receive them graciously. I have a hard time with each of those. When it comes to buying something, my worries vary depending on how the person is related to me:
A friend: Does it look like I put enough thought into this? Can it possibly make up for a full year of neglect, and somehow prove that I still pay attention to their interests and hobbies, despite avoiding every single one their social gatherings? Maybe I should include a card, "It's not that I don't enjoy your company, so much as I am wracked with fear something will happen on the internet if I lapse my constant perusal for even a moment to speak with you in real life".
A coworker: Is it too expensive- does it make me look like I'm trying to buy approval? Is it too cheap- will they think I just threw some shit together from the dollar store? Is it something so trite they will mock it roundly once I'm out of the room? I must endeavor to find the precise balance of usefulness and blandness, so it is appreciated but forgotten within a few hours.
A family member: Have a plumed the depth of our relationship profoundly enough to find something they've wanted very much, mentioned a singular time, and slipped their mind until the glorious moment they open my gift?
Inevitably, I fail at all of these, because hitting those marks is impossible. Or, at the very lease, difficult to assess if I've succeeded.
Receiving something is altogether worse. I spend this last week at work, dreading the moment somebody comes up to me with a gift and I've got nothing with which to reciprocate. I've taken to carrying around boxes of chocolate just in case this happens, to avoid the awkwardness of being handed something and only having the words thank you as a reply.
Jaime: Just one of my many million dollar ideas! Bathroom stall murals and dog rentals! Puppet based newscasts! English Breakfast Burritos!
It's probably a good idea to keep me from accessing much capital...
